August 29th, 2009
In order to discuss “love on the edge,” we need to first be clear on “what is love?”
This is actually a more important question than you might think. Many people say something simple like “it’s a feeling,” or “it’s truly caring about someone.”
Actually, these are both right, but they don’t go far enough…
These simple definitions are too general. Something more specific is needed in order to enhance understanding, and allow learning (and growth). My definition comes from my friend and mentor, Harold Bessell, Ph.D. (the “Albert Einstein of Love”). He says that “good romantic love” has two important components:
+ Mutually high ROMANTIC CHEMISTRY (this is not the same as infatuation or sex, but is the long term enjoyment of the other as a person), and
+ Mutually high EMOTIONAL MATURITY (this is the ability to conduct a good relationship).
These terms are described more specifically in my books, and there are tests to measure them.
In most relationships, one or both of these important components is lacking (in one or both partners…). It is the defiency (”He’s so immature!”) and/or imbalance (”I love her more that she loves me”) in these components that lead to many relationship problems.
What do you think of my definition?
What is your definition of love?
Post your comments below!
I will write more later about how this relates to the overall blog topic of LOVE ON THE EDGE.
Please post your comments below!!!
Posted in Love, Relationships, Sex | 1 Comment »
August 29th, 2009
To understand “Love on the Edge,” we obviously must understand sex. Love is a complicated subject, and so is sex. Following the “road of excess” (searching for wisdom) is likely going to require some sexual adventures. Wisdom certainly requires a good working knowledge of the purpose of sex and all of it’s in’s and out’s (so to speak… 
).
First, the purpose of sex (besides procreation) is “emotional closeness.” Having said that, a lot remains unsaid, because emotional closeness has many facets. In particular our sexual desires include connection, belonging, acceptance, understanding, excitement, fear, taboos, to name but a few. The amount of sexual pleasure is also closely related to the degree of romantic chemistry and emotional maturity (see “What is Love?” below).
In the last two days alone I have had long conversations with two of my clients about the philosophy of sex. We covered much too much to relate in this blog, but here are two highlights:
1. The longer a relationship lasts, the greater the tendency towards boredom. The secret to keeping love alive is renewal, which often comes from excitement, from breaking the rules, and from new sexual experiences.
2. In the search for sexual adventure, it is not necessary to jump in too quickly. Slowly, with fear and respect, leaving more for the future, is the way to build closeness and trust.
In upgrading my various websites over the last few days I have been reminded that there are some excerpts on sex posted on my “Love Is Not A Game” website. These are free for all to see, and you can view them at http://www.loveisnotagame.com/sextalk.htm.
Don’t forget to leave your comments below. I’m sure everyone will enjoy discussing this topic!!
Post your comments by clicking below…
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August 29th, 2009
I just completed a transcontinental flight on Saturday, and then I saw the news about Air France 447. My heart goes out to all the families of this tragic disaster.
Being a pilot myself, and formerly a flight instructor, I relate especially closely to anything to do with airplanes. And as a relationship coach, I teach people about communication.
What strikes me here is the MISTAKE that many people make by thinking that communication is the most important skill in relationships. It is not, and the Air France 447 disaster shows why.
We don’t know the cause of the Air France 447 crash, but we can say with near certainty that it was because the airplane was incapable of flying. The pilots, well trained and experienced, could not fly a plane that was unflyable, regardless of their communication skills.
The same is true with relationships. Many relationships can never fly, usually because of lack of basic chemistry, and no amount of communication will make them work. Unfortunately, because so much is made of the importance of communication in the popular media, some people keep trying to make a relationship fly that just is incapable of flying, thinking that communication will save the day. No amount of communication will enable a plane to fly that is incapable of flying, and it’s the same with relationships.
The other thing to think about is that the pilots of Air France 447 received thousands of hours of training on how to fly an airplane. But most people get NO training on how to conduct a relationship. Again, no amount of communication will help a pilot fly a plane who has never learned to fly, and no amount of communication will make a relationship work if the people have never learned basic relationship skills.
So that’s the long and the short of it. For a relationship to fly, it must (a) be flyable, (b) have partners who have been trained in relationship skills, and, LASTLY (c) have partners with good communication skills. Communication skills are ONLY valuable if the relationship has basic structural integrity AND the partners have a basic understanding of how relationships work.
Don’t forget to leave me a comment. You can comment on this post or on any of the others!
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Posted in Relationships | 1 Comment »
August 29th, 2009
In conversations with two different clients this week, the CONFUSION between chemistry and sex came up.
It’s possible I have contributed to this confusion by using the word “chemistry” in a manner not consistent with widespread usage… To many, it seems, “chemistry” means “sexual chemistry,” in other words lust, or infatuation, or the purely physical reaction.
To me, however, TRUE CHEMISTRY is the reaction that takes place between two personalities. It is the continued and ongoing (and potentially long term) ENJOYMENT that you experience with another person.
Just like chemistry in the laboratory, when you mix two elements together sometimes you get no reaction, sometimes you get a mild reaction, and sometimes you get an explosion. This is what I mean by chemistry, and the reaction is psychological, NOT only sexual.
Much of my coaching practice is built upon the Romantic Attraction Questionnaire (chemistry questionaire) that was developed by my friend and mentor Harold Bessel, Ph.D. Of the 60 questions he uses to measure romantic attraction, ONLY ONE asks about “physical affection.” The other 59 questions are things like “I enjoy this person in many ways other than just sharing affection,” and “I can forgive this person almost instantly,” etc.
My point is that in Dr. Bessell’s definition, and in my definition, TRUE CHEMISTRY is the reaction that occurs between two personalities, and is MUCH MUCH MORE than just sex.
Using this questionnaire to rate your relationship can tell you A LOT about it’s future potential (more than having sex will tell you!).
Please leave your comments as to what “chemistry” means to you…
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I love to hear from you!
Posted in Love, Relationships, Sex | No Comments »
August 29th, 2009
Last week I heard a song by “Lenka” on the car radio. I liked it, so I looked it up on the internet and found that it is called “The Show.” I went right out and bought the CD and this is rapidly becoming one of my favorite songs of all time.
The opening lines are “I’m just a little bit caught in the middle, life is a maze and love is a riddle.” I think this is stated in such a cute way, and is SO TRUE! (Of course if you read my books, love will not be a riddle any longer…)
The punch line of the song, after sharing additional feelings of being confused, lost, and scared, is “Just enjoy the show.” This is such an important message! Yes, life can get you down, but it’s the only show in town, so just let go and enjoy it!!
This is the same message as one contained in Richard Bach’s book “Illusions” (one of my favorite books of all time).
I highly recommend listening to the song and internalizing its message!
Enjoy, and don’t forget to leave comments…
Posted in Love, Relationships | No Comments »
August 29th, 2009
What a nice surprise today when I found this message from Tara Katcharoff in my email. Tara is the editor of the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI) Newsletter, and this appeared in one of her columns. Here is what Tara had to say:
“Randy Hurlburt has been a fantastic contributor to our newsletters – both articles and Ask the Coach for years. He’s a perfect example of a relationship expert who contributes to RCI and then repurposes the wonderful material he writes for us for his newsletter, blog, and probably more books that I’m sure he’ll write in the future.”
Visit http://www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com to see my books.
Visit http://www.RelationshipCoachingInstitute.com to see the RCI website.
Don’t forget that I love to hear from you, so leave me a comment!
Posted in Relationships | No Comments »
August 29th, 2009
As I am writing this on July 22, 2009, a total solar eclipse is taking place across India, China and Japan.
I love eclipses, and all things astronomical. I’m not sure it has anything to do with “love,” but we are all individual stars in the big universe, with our own inner light, and subject to a myriad of external forces.
I saw a total solar eclipse in 1991. I drove 1000 miles from San Diego to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico in a camper with my kids. I worried all the way about running out of gas, about running into traffic, and about not seeing the eclipse because of clouds. But all my worries came to naught, and the eclipse was absolutely stunning. We got some great photos, the best taken by my technologically acomplished son!
Maybe there’s a connection between love and eclipses after all… Many years ago there was a song “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” (I don’t remember the artists, so if anyone knows, please leave me a comment.) The song was about heartbreak, and I must have been going through some heartbreak at the time. But the analogy of the eclipse says “the sun will shine again,” and that has been the case for me. So if any of you are going through a dark period in your life, just keep in mind that the sun will shine again, and you will be dancing and free.
Please leave me comments about your experiences with eclipses!
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August 29th, 2009
I am proud to announce a new section in “Wikipedia” entitled “The Psychology of Love.” I am the author of 95% of this material (and 100% of the good stuff ).
I had to go through quite a laborious process to get this material published, so I hope you will take a look.
To see it, copy and paste the following link into your internet browser and hit “enter.” (For some reason just clicking on the link does not work, hard as I have tried to make it work… )
So copy and paste this link:
http://www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romance_(love)
You will have to scroll down quite a ways to find the “Paychology of Love” section.
While this is FAR from a complete discussion of all you need to know about love, it is an interesting summary and worth a look. Check it out!
And don’t forget to leave me a comment… We can get into a much deeper discussion than the Wikipedia editors will allow!
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August 29th, 2009
The purpose of this blog is to explore all facets of ”Love on the Edge.”
What is the meaning of “Love on the Edge”?
As I see it there are two meanings:
1. Love on the edge of political correctness, and
2. Love on the edge of a breakup.
These are closely related: often love is on the edge of a breakup because one or both people are in the center of political correctness. In other words, trying to live in the center of social rules is likely to cause relationship problems, because in our souls we do not agree with the rules we have been conditioned to follow.
Also see my www.PartnersinLoveandCrime.com and my www.LoveIsNotAGame.com websites, as well as my two books of the same names.
“Love on the Edge” may become the title of my third book, inspired by the William Blake quotation:
“The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.”
The “road of excess” is definitely not in the center of political correctness! But “wisdom” is necessary to have good love…
If you would like to share in this stream-of-consciousness thought process (blog), I encourage you to do so. Simply add your comment at any time for others to see and respond to.
I reserve the right to edit or remove comments, at my sole discretion, if I consider them to be offersive or unrelated to the purpose of this blog.
I look forward to hearing from you!!
Posted in Relationships | No Comments »
