Tiger Woods Apology

February 20th, 2010
Today I am moved to write again about the Tiger Woods apology speech. 
I thought Tiger did what he had to do, apologize to his wife, friends, and the media.  I really don’t think he could have done anything else, and it had to be done.
However, I feel everything that surrounded this speech, in terms of comments from journalists, etc., did a big disservice to the cause of improving love relationships and marriage.
What I see is that there are always reasons for affairs.  These reasons are based in an individual’s subconscious, in the dynamics of the relationship between two people, and in the rules that our culture prescribes.  Nothing was done by any commentator to enlighten the world about these issues.
To the contrary, we were left with only “affairs are bad,” and “I won’t do it again.”  There was nothing to indicate what causes them, or whether absolute monogamy is always the best choice for every couple. 
This sort of non-discussion of issues, and black and white thinking, are among the greatest causes of relationship problems.  And the widespread publicity surrounding Tiger’s apology will, I fear, only deepen the current lack of understanding and thereby worsen the chances for relationships to succeed.  I don’t think it was Tiger’s place to enlighten the world about this, but I wish that some of the commentators had done so…
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The Tiger Woods Dilemma

December 12th, 2009

There’s been a lot of talk lately about Tiger Woods’ alleged affairs.

And everyone says

     Oh no!
     How could he?
     Poor Elin!
     What’s to become of their relationship?


The issue is NOT “What’s wrong with Tiger Woods?” or “Is he a sex addict?”

The issue is “What’s wrong with our supposedly monogamous society?”

Tiger’s alleged affairs only expose the Achilles heel of our society: we aren’t really as monogamous as we claim to be!

Statistics vary, but it seems about half of men and a quarter of women have affairs at one time or another.  Absolute monogamy is not easy, nor is it natural, and it is not necessarily the best choice. 

If absolute monogamy is not the answer, what is?  The famed psychologist Karen Horney says “The most desirable goal for marriage is to find an optimum between restriction and freedom.”  (Note that she is not against marriage!)

We don’t really know what has transpired between Tiger and Elin.  The tabloids flout only the allegations and the ideal of absolute monogamy and how terrible it is to have broken it.  But the real psychology is that

    (1) Tiger and Elin need to decide how strong their basic chemistry is, and

    (2) If the basic chemistry is strong then they need to find some “agreed solution” as to how to balance their competing desires for freedom and connection.  There is an entire spectrum of possibilities, and what they decide is none of our business… 

Understanding the internal forces, talking about them even if it’s difficult, and reaching a true (possibly unconventional) agreement, are the steps to success in love.  Let’s not blame Tiger (or Elin), but blame our society collectively for failing to teach these important skills.  And then let’s get started teaching them!

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You can love your partner even when there are problems

October 8th, 2009

When it is necessary to discuss a problem with your partner, spend some time thinking about what you are going to say.  Try to always be clear that you love him or her, and that the purpose of the discussion is to make what you already have even better.

Complaint or Request?

October 5th, 2009

Once you have decided that it is important to discuss a problem with your partner, and you have decided on the best timing, try to frame the discussion in terms of a “request” not a “complaint.” A complaint focuses on the partner’s past behavior and raises defenses. A request focuses on future behavior and includes options for negotiation.

Choose your battles

October 5th, 2009

If you have waited the prescribed day or two before bringing up a problem with your partner, it is good to ask yourself two questions: (1) is this REALLY a fight worth having?, and (2) is this REALLY the best time to have it? i.e. “pick your fights,” and “timing is important.”

If your partner is angry

October 5th, 2009

If your partner is angry with you, do your best to just listen, try to understand, and not get defensive. If the anger is strong, it’s best to wait a day or two before bringing the subject up again to let things calm down. However, if the anger blows out quickly and your partner seems to want further conversation, an immediate talk might be possible.

If you are angry

October 5th, 2009

If you’re angry with your partner, wait a day or two before bringing the subject up. You will be calmer, and better able to see the whole situation in perspective.


September 28th, 2009

I hate being a perfectionist because I am not perfect…

Visit me on Facebook!

September 9th, 2009
Well, after all this time, I have finally put myself up on facebook!
I invite all of you who have a facebook profile to add yourself to my “friends” list.  Just search for “Randy Hurlburt” (there is only one…). 
If you have any problem finding me, you can also search for the following email address: partnersinloveandcrime @  But DO NOT USE that email to contact me, because I do not monitor it.
I look forward to keeping up with all of you on facebook!

Website Problems

August 30th, 2009

About two weeks ago my webmaster’s server was hacked into and many websites, including mine, were damaged or destroyed.  The good news is that my website, although it was down for a week, is now back up. My webmaster has been great in trying to get everything back up and running as fast as possible.

This “blog” was down for about two weeks, but as you can see is operating again.  The order of the blog articles is a little mixed up, but I hope to fix that and in any case I hope you can accept it.

The worst part was that about 1000 subscribers were lost from my autoresponder.  If you are reading this blog and subscribed between May 26, 2008 and August 26, 2009, please go to and re-subscribe in order to continue receiving newsletters and promotional mailings.

Thanks for your understanding!!

Feel free to leave a comment and lament your computer failure problems along with me…

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